The other day I was sitting in a park, reading a book and enjoying a glorious summer day, and getting distracted by overhearing a small group talking near me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For over an hour, they complained endlessly among themselves: about mutual friends, about times they\u2019d been hard done by, about life in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This type of whinge-fest is so normal, you\u2019ll have been a part of many of them without even noticing. I know I have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did the group of complainers enjoy their litany of misery as much as I enjoyed reading my book? Yes, probably more \u2013 complaining is fun! You get sympathy for your problems, and by complaining about others you establish yourself as being somehow \u201cbetter\u201d than them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But then, doing heroin is fun too (or so I\u2019m told) \u2014 at least to start with. Over time, both turn out to be highly addictive and damaging to your mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everything you talk about and think means you’ve made a decision about where to allocate your attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even when you\u2019re sitting alone in an almost empty room, there\u2019s already too much sensory input for you to pay attention to everything. Your brain ends up processing most of it on autopilot, \u201cfilling in the gaps\u201d based on what it already knows about what\u2019s likely to be there, and leaves your conscious attention free for whatever seems to be most relevant or important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Decisions about how to allocate attention are big a reason two people can have different experiences of an identical situation. If you\u2019re paying attention to the beautiful flowers and I\u2019m paying attention to someone’s out-of-control child running past screaming, your experience is going to be calmer and more enjoyable than mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Attention applies not just to what\u2019s in front of you at the moment, but also your thoughts<\/strong>. Everyone\u2019s brain is constantly generating a mix of negative and positive thoughts covering a multitude of different topics, and (with practice) you get to choose which of those thoughts gets the most attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So again, if you\u2019re giving attention to your thoughts about the lovely breakfast we just had and I\u2019m giving attention to my thoughts about how the waiter was rude when we wanted to split the bill, your current<\/em> reality will be better than mine even though the external world is identical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is why complaining is dangerous:<\/strong> it\u2019s satisfying in small doses, but it takes your attention away from positive<\/em> things that have happened or are happening right now. Over time, because your brain falls into familiar patterns of thought, complaining becomes the default<\/strong> \u2013 which means your brain starts seeking out<\/em> the negative aspect of any experience, and giving yourself a worse version of reality!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I go out of my way to avoid other people\u2019s complaining, for two reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because I consider it so important, I\u2019ve taken steps to eliminate complaining in all the major areas of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over time, I\u2019ve naturally drifted away from friends who tend towards the negative. The people I\u2019m closest to now naturally prefer to talk about positive aspects of their life and exciting future possibilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, everyone has some tendency to complain \u2013 me included. However, while I\u2019ll happily help friends out if they have problems and are interested in discussing solutions, I won\u2019t pick up on cues that take conversation in the direction of solution-free complaints \u2013 so those conversational seeds tend not to take root.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m lucky to have a role in shaping the culture of my company and have a co-founder who feels the same way, so we discourage complaining in any way we can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s an important distinction between complaining<\/em> and pointing out areas of improvement<\/em>. The difference comes down to two things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In other words: complaining generally about a colleague isn\u2019t helpful. Pointing out a broken process that\u2019s making your job harder and asking for help solving it is extremely<\/em> helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The internet is awash with complaining because the world<\/em> is awash with complaining. On the internet though, you can leave your park bench and listen to anyone you want to \u2013 anywhere in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Given that there\u2019s more communication happening in a single minute than I could read in a lifetime, I can make deliberate choices about where my attention goes. It boils down to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obviously, I complain sometimes. Probably far more than I\u2019m aware of: I often catch myself when I notice it, but I\u2019m sure there are plenty of times I don\u2019t. Hey, am I complaining about complaining right now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, I don\u2019t even try to catch myself: I happily get drawn into a self-pitying conversation, or consciously seek out online comments on a situation I know will make me angry or despairing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reflecting on it, there are two situations when I\u2019m prone to doing this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Both of these come down to a lack of energy \u2013 which proves that complaining is always the easier thing to do<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So you can never eliminate complaining from your life completely, but it\u2019s worth trying to cut it down. As an experiment, spend a day noticing how much complaining you hear around you and how much you contribute to it yourself. Your findings might shock you into making some changes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By indulging in complaining, you’re voluntarily making your experience of life worse than it needs to be. Here’s how to cut it out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to eliminate complaining<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
My friends don\u2019t complain<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s minimal complaining at work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve heard there\u2019s occasional negativity on the internet, but\u2026<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
But I do it sometimes!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n